Henrietta Hiccup

Political advisor to the stars!

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Letter from the New Pope

Liebe Frau Hiccup,

I write this note to you on the evening of mein vorgewahlt as Pope of the Catholic Church, representing Gott’s will. You were the first person I thought of after they announced to me that I was to be the new Papst. I think of you many hours of my life in a non-sexual yet sensual way.

Henrietta, mein reizvolles Madchen, you must help me. People are saying I am a Nazi, but it is not the truth. I was forced to join Hitler’s Youth against mein will. I was forced to stay in Hitler’s Army until the end of Hitler’s War (also against mein will). I was forced to maintain the mindset und philosophy of the Nazi Party until the present day, which continues to be very much against mein will. Please tell this to the Amerikaner, mein blankes Madchen.

And there is more I hope you will share with the Amerikaner, mein nasses Madchen. Please tell them that same-sex marriages are wrong und they will soon go to hell. I didn’t make this up – Jesus makes it clear in die Bibel that same-sex marriage is a sin. The reason that I put this issue so far above poverty is because most poor people are in Afrika, where few Catholics live.

Also please tell them that I feel women should be treated 100% equally with men, except in cases where the men should be treated superior to women. This will be left to the discretion of the men.

So you see, mein Frisch Madchen, mein papacy is going to be about peace und harmony und caring for all the Volk.

Write soon, bitte.
Joseph Ratzinger
Aka Pope Benedict XVI

Dear Pope Benzy,

What the hell is that – Germlish? You really should learn to speak proper English if you are going to be the head of the Church of Rome.

Before I answer, let me just say how sad I was to hear about the passing of your predecessor, John Paul II. He was my very close friend and confidante. He shared many deep thoughts with me over cocktails when I was in Rome. (See Letter from the Pope, Jan. 13, 2005)

Joe, you don’t have a question and you don’t seem to have a point, but I’ll just say that you don’t have to convince me that you are the right man for the job. I firmly believe that our mission as Christians and Republicans should be to rid the world of poverty and obviously we do that by ridding the world of poor people. If we don’t have poor people, we don’t have poverty. Everything is simple mathematics. If we don’t have gay marriage, people will stop being gay. No one wants to not get married. I mean – except for you.

Listen, my little weinerschnitzel, everything will be OK. Soon, the people of the world will calm down and forget you even exist, leaving plenty of opportunity for you to subjugate women and homosexuals through your teachings.

Godspeed, young man.