Henrietta Hiccup

Political advisor to the stars!

Sunday, March 27, 2005

Letter from Terri Schiavo

Dear Henrietta,

I am writing from the end of my rope. They are starving me to death but I am hanging on for dear life. I don’t want to die! No one else will intervene on my behalf since the polls came out saying people are tired of hearing about me. You are my only hope. The reason I trust you is because I have known you for ten years, ever since that time I was lying in bed.

Please help!

Terri Schiavo
Pinellas Park, FL


Dear Terri,

This is the first time I haven’t agreed with President Bush since he said he didn’t think homosexuals were going to burn in the fiery pits of Hell and be eaten by worms.

I can’t even believe you are still alive. What are you, an Alphoid? I went two hours without food yesterday and the next thing I knew I was biting my toenails off and swallowing them.

Let go and let God, Terri. Your husband obviously has your best interests at heart – that’s why he wants you dead. He refused to divorce you - that is the ultimate form of love. He has brought two children into the world with another woman’s loins, which might give the appearance that he loves someone else, but he has redeemed himself by dragging your parents through the court system for ten years and not allowing them to try any therapy on you at all.

And he’s making one final gesture of love toward you and your parents - in case you haven’t heard. He is going to have you cremated, which is against your religion, but he says you mentioned one time during sex that if you ever die, you definitely want to be cremated.

Give the guy a break, Terri. I know you aren’t in any pain, so why not die? Just because you are dead, doesn’t mean you won’t be able to see your parents anymore. They’ll be dead soon, too. Don’t be so selfish.

I’ll expect not to be hearing from you again, young lady.

Sincerely,

H.H.

Friday, March 04, 2005

Letter from Martha Stewart

Dear Henrietta,

I wanted to pen a note to you before eating a decent meal, sleeping in my comfy bed, taking a shower (alone) and reuniting with my family, including my 90-year-old mother who I’ve only seen once in five months.

Thank you for all your support during these trying times. I look forward to having you over for lamb chops with mint pepper sauce and orange-glazed asparagus.

I also look forward to planning the wedding between you and my daughter Alexis, even though you are both women.

Love and Kisses,
Martha Kostyra Stewart
Katonah, New York


Dear Martha,

I’m so happy you are out of prison and I feel a remarkable lack of embarrassment that my future mother-in-law is an ex-con and a Democrat. I hope you learned a lot from your confinement, including how to work hard and wash other womens' hair. You are a wonderful example of bravery and courage!

I look forward to our meal together. Please tell Lexi I’ll be calling her soon.

Kisses Right Back At Ya,


H.H.

WELCOME BACK, MARTHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


WELCOME BACK, MARTHA!!!!!! I MISSED YOU!!!!!! SMOOCH!!!!!! Posted by Hello

(and honey, you look marvelous.)