Henrietta Hiccup

Political advisor to the stars!

Saturday, February 26, 2005

Letter from Someone Named "Oprah"

Dear Henrietta,

Why are conservative women so dumb? They seem to enjoy their slave-like existences. If my boyfriend Stedman so much as looks at me cross-eyed, I rip him a new one. Please explain the mentality of these women, Henrietta.

Thank You,
Chicago, Illinois

Dear Oprah,

It's just like a liberal to not sign their last name to a letter! You're too cowardly to reveal your true identity, I guess.

I don't think you know much about slavery, Oprah. I realize that the revisionist history of the liberals has presented slavery in a negative light, but in reality, slaves were very happy. This is evident in the fact that they whistled and sang in the fields. They sang songs such as "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot" and songs that pertained to picking cotton. You should see "The Color Purple."

Likewise, conservative women are very happy. We often wish that we could go back to the 50s, when our way of life was mandatory and we didn't have all of these confusing choices like "What college should I attend?" and "What career will I find fulfilling?" It was a great time to be a woman. There were no lesbians. All women married men and the more masculine ones would be given wine and prescription pain killers.

Now let's talk about today. Who is the greatest role model for young ladies in 2005? Laura Bush, of course! She's a librarian, she's got great Republican helmet hair and a lovely permanent smile. She's only been loyal to one man since she killed her boyfriend in 1963. What more could you aspire to be in any day and age, Oprah?

My advice to you is to consider marrying Stedman. Who is going to take care of you financially if you don't?

Think about it.