Henrietta Hiccup

Political advisor to the stars!

Saturday, February 26, 2005

Letter from Someone Named "Oprah"

Dear Henrietta,

Why are conservative women so dumb? They seem to enjoy their slave-like existences. If my boyfriend Stedman so much as looks at me cross-eyed, I rip him a new one. Please explain the mentality of these women, Henrietta.

Thank You,
Chicago, Illinois

Dear Oprah,

It's just like a liberal to not sign their last name to a letter! You're too cowardly to reveal your true identity, I guess.

I don't think you know much about slavery, Oprah. I realize that the revisionist history of the liberals has presented slavery in a negative light, but in reality, slaves were very happy. This is evident in the fact that they whistled and sang in the fields. They sang songs such as "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot" and songs that pertained to picking cotton. You should see "The Color Purple."

Likewise, conservative women are very happy. We often wish that we could go back to the 50s, when our way of life was mandatory and we didn't have all of these confusing choices like "What college should I attend?" and "What career will I find fulfilling?" It was a great time to be a woman. There were no lesbians. All women married men and the more masculine ones would be given wine and prescription pain killers.

Now let's talk about today. Who is the greatest role model for young ladies in 2005? Laura Bush, of course! She's a librarian, she's got great Republican helmet hair and a lovely permanent smile. She's only been loyal to one man since she killed her boyfriend in 1963. What more could you aspire to be in any day and age, Oprah?

My advice to you is to consider marrying Stedman. Who is going to take care of you financially if you don't?

Think about it.


Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Letter from Ben Affleck

Dear Henrietta,

Do you think the right wing media, such as FOX and CNN, will cover the story about Bush paying off members of the media to ask him softball questions in press conferences and to promote his twisted policies?

If I were a betting man, I’d bet $500,000 on NO. What do you say – are you in?

Benjamin Affleck
Hollywood, CA

Dear Benny,

So nice to hear from you! I haven’t seen you since the intervention.

You know I think gambling is a sin! Let’s say you lost that $500,000 – that’s money that could have been donated to the forthcoming invasion of Iran!

Look – you’re a very young and naïve alcoholic man, so let me explain some things to you about the world. Paying people to do the things you want them to do is capitalism. There’s nothing wrong with capitalism unless you’re a commie! You’re not a commie, are you Benny?

James Guckert, who joined the White House Press Corps under the phony name Jeff Gannon because he feared that the peacenik, anti-war liberals would chop up his family, is a really good reporter! When “Jeff” asked the President, “How can you deal with these Democratic Congressional leaders who seem to have divorced themselves from reality?” that wasn’t a cheap shot, but a legitimate question intended to make the President look good.

And what is the big deal about syndicated columnist Maggie Gallagher’s $21,500 gift from President Bush? He likes her. He gave her a gift. Is that a crime? It just so happened that she liked the fact that he was spending 300 million tax dollars to “promote marriage,” so she cheered for it in her column. Mike McManus wrote about how much he loved the marriage initiative, too, but he only got $10,000 from Bush. Armstrong Williams received a whopping $240,000 to promote the No Child Left Behind Act!

If Bush were really paying people off, he would give them each an equal amount, wouldn’t he?

See, Ben - you just need to think things through!

You take care of yourself now.