Henrietta Hiccup

Political advisor to the stars!

Thursday, January 27, 2005

The Political Super Bowl of 2004

By Helga Hiccup

As the Super Bowl approaches, I can’t help but chuckle and sob at the same time when I think about how our elections have become one big hillbilly sporting event, none more so than the presidential election of 2004. One could compare it to NASCAR, for example, with Dubya Bush being the guy with the big “43” on his car and an ENRON logo on the hood, driving ‘round and ‘round and ‘round while his fans get drunk on Pabst Blue Ribbon and cheer for John Kerry to crash and die.

But it’s always more fun to use football analogies when discussing politics. The truth is we had two Super Bowls in 2004. In the first one, the Patriots won. In the second, the Bloody War Criminals won. In case you missed the latter Super Bowl, allow me to summarize it for you.

The red team (the Bloody War Criminals) played the blue team (the Lovers of Humanity). The Crims were the defending champs, although many say they didn’t deserve it, since the quarterback’s entire family served as the referees. The Humans had been champs in the 90’s, but their quarterback repeatedly had sex the night before the big games and that’s a no-no.

The game seemed to be going in the Crims’ favor early in the first quarter. The Humans hadn’t even picked a QB yet and their favorite, Howard Dean, was deemed to have some screaming issues. Without a QB to play against, the Crims were up 7-0 at the start of the second quarter, with Condaleeza Rice running 87 yards for touchdown.

In the second quarter, the Humans brought in a tall war hero by the name of John Kerry. He was an asset to the Lovers of Humanity. He believed that defense wins championships. He was strong and courageous; reasonable and smart. He was everything the Lovers of Humanity needed.

Late in the second quarter, the Bloody War Criminals were falling behind. Kerry had thrown two TD passes to Chris Heinz and the score was 14-7. The fans of the War Criminals were going ballistic, sending notes onto the field that accused Kerry of shooting American players in the back when he played for the North Vietnam Commies. The crowd began to turn on the Lovers of Humanity. After all, if the fans of the War Criminals would say something like that, how could it not be true? Luckily, it was halftime.

Ten seconds in to the third quarter, Crims’ QB, Dubya Bush, was sacked by Al Sharpton, who had joined Kerry’s defense after losing in the playoffs. But with the crowd behind him, Dubya was on a roll. Kerry yelled to the crowd, “I’m reporting for duty!” but they couldn’t hear him. Dubya’s team quickly renamed themselves, “America’s Team” and the crowd became mentally unable to distinguish fact from fiction.

The game was one of the most exciting in history. The Crims were ahead 17-7. Then Dubya was supposed to throw a pass to his tight end, Bill Poland, but he forgot him and instead threw an interception to Arianna Huffington, who scored! 17-14!

The fourth quarter was a doozy. Kerry hit his hot new receiver, John Edwards, three times in a row. The Lovers of Humanity were up 35-17 with one minute left in the ball game. It seemed impossible to lose.

Sadly, the Bloody War Criminals had kept their greatest weapon a secret. They didn’t even let him sit on the bench during the game, but made him stay in a bunker under the locker room. The Lovers of Humanity never saw it coming. With one minute to play, seven-feet-tall Osama bin Laden, the greatest player in Middle Eastern American football history, came on to the field. His strategy was to trick the fans of the War Criminals into thinking he was playing for the Lovers of Humanity. This stirred the crowd into a frenzy and, when he ripped off his blue jersey to expose the bloody red one, it was all over. By the time he was finished with the Lovers of Humanity, they’d be crying themselves to sleep.

Fret not, fans of the Lovers of Humanity. If the Tampa Bay Buccaneers can win the Super Bowl, so can we.