Henrietta Hiccup

Political advisor to the stars!

Saturday, January 22, 2005

Letter from the Governator

De-ah Henrietta,

Guten morgen, Frau Hiccup.

Man, the people of Callyfornya are giving me such a hard time. All I want to do is balance the budget and this I want to do by taking away the rights of the people of Callyfornya. Not the Caucasian people, of course, but the Indians and the Mexicans and these things that were here in Callyfornya long before my ancestors ever began thinking hateful thoughts about the Jews.

Help me out here, Henrietta. I need to take away the driving licenses of the illegal Mexicans and I need to charge three times the state taxes for the Indians and their casinos. These are the things that I need to do to avoid being a girlie-man.

And this I know will balance the budget that became unbalanced by the white man.

I hope to receive your support.

Auf Wiedersehn,
Arnold Schwarzeneggar


Dear Most Honorable Sir,

Wow, you’re in a pickle. It’s hard to be a red person in a blue state – unless, of course, you’re an Indian! Ha!

The thing that the Californians do not understand is that immigrants to this country should not just be given rights just because they work hard. Rights are, and should be, doled out based on the color of one’s skin – not on the content of one’s character. As you know, I am paraphrasing Dr. Martin L. King.

Giving a driver’s license to an illegal, immoral immigrant is an abomination to God. Sure, we’d be able to keep track of them and they would actually have to learn how to drive, but it would look like we were supporting their illegal activities, such as fruit-picking, dishwashing and 18-hour work days.

As for the casinos – well, I think you know how I feel about that. The number of jobs they create could not possibly compare with the number of souls they help damn to Hell. Besides, what right do Native Americans have to the land of this country?

You and I don’t always see eye to eye, but I’m with you on this one, Arnie. If you need me to do a Public Service Announcement, I’m available for a nominal fee.

Guten Blah to you!

H.H.