Henrietta Hiccup

Political advisor to the stars!

Thursday, January 27, 2005

The Political Super Bowl of 2004

By Helga Hiccup


As the Super Bowl approaches, I can’t help but chuckle and sob at the same time when I think about how our elections have become one big hillbilly sporting event, none more so than the presidential election of 2004. One could compare it to NASCAR, for example, with Dubya Bush being the guy with the big “43” on his car and an ENRON logo on the hood, driving ‘round and ‘round and ‘round while his fans get drunk on Pabst Blue Ribbon and cheer for John Kerry to crash and die.

But it’s always more fun to use football analogies when discussing politics. The truth is we had two Super Bowls in 2004. In the first one, the Patriots won. In the second, the Bloody War Criminals won. In case you missed the latter Super Bowl, allow me to summarize it for you.

The red team (the Bloody War Criminals) played the blue team (the Lovers of Humanity). The Crims were the defending champs, although many say they didn’t deserve it, since the quarterback’s entire family served as the referees. The Humans had been champs in the 90’s, but their quarterback repeatedly had sex the night before the big games and that’s a no-no.

The game seemed to be going in the Crims’ favor early in the first quarter. The Humans hadn’t even picked a QB yet and their favorite, Howard Dean, was deemed to have some screaming issues. Without a QB to play against, the Crims were up 7-0 at the start of the second quarter, with Condaleeza Rice running 87 yards for touchdown.

In the second quarter, the Humans brought in a tall war hero by the name of John Kerry. He was an asset to the Lovers of Humanity. He believed that defense wins championships. He was strong and courageous; reasonable and smart. He was everything the Lovers of Humanity needed.

Late in the second quarter, the Bloody War Criminals were falling behind. Kerry had thrown two TD passes to Chris Heinz and the score was 14-7. The fans of the War Criminals were going ballistic, sending notes onto the field that accused Kerry of shooting American players in the back when he played for the North Vietnam Commies. The crowd began to turn on the Lovers of Humanity. After all, if the fans of the War Criminals would say something like that, how could it not be true? Luckily, it was halftime.

Ten seconds in to the third quarter, Crims’ QB, Dubya Bush, was sacked by Al Sharpton, who had joined Kerry’s defense after losing in the playoffs. But with the crowd behind him, Dubya was on a roll. Kerry yelled to the crowd, “I’m reporting for duty!” but they couldn’t hear him. Dubya’s team quickly renamed themselves, “America’s Team” and the crowd became mentally unable to distinguish fact from fiction.

The game was one of the most exciting in history. The Crims were ahead 17-7. Then Dubya was supposed to throw a pass to his tight end, Bill Poland, but he forgot him and instead threw an interception to Arianna Huffington, who scored! 17-14!

The fourth quarter was a doozy. Kerry hit his hot new receiver, John Edwards, three times in a row. The Lovers of Humanity were up 35-17 with one minute left in the ball game. It seemed impossible to lose.

Sadly, the Bloody War Criminals had kept their greatest weapon a secret. They didn’t even let him sit on the bench during the game, but made him stay in a bunker under the locker room. The Lovers of Humanity never saw it coming. With one minute to play, seven-feet-tall Osama bin Laden, the greatest player in Middle Eastern American football history, came on to the field. His strategy was to trick the fans of the War Criminals into thinking he was playing for the Lovers of Humanity. This stirred the crowd into a frenzy and, when he ripped off his blue jersey to expose the bloody red one, it was all over. By the time he was finished with the Lovers of Humanity, they’d be crying themselves to sleep.

Fret not, fans of the Lovers of Humanity. If the Tampa Bay Buccaneers can win the Super Bowl, so can we.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Introducing My Liberal Twin Sister, Helga

Hello Readers,

It seems my sister Helga feels that the wacky liberal viewpoint isn't being represented on my extraordinarily popular, world-renowned blog. I told her I'd give her some space to express her stupid side of things if she would recite the entire Declaration of Independence, The Constitution and all the Amendments AND Martin Luther King's "I Have a Dream" speech. She did it! And she did it seven minutes flat! I still can't believe it. I guess it's just another example of how liberals think knowing facts makes them smart.

Anyway, please humor her.

H.H.

Saturday, January 22, 2005

Letter from the Governator

De-ah Henrietta,

Guten morgen, Frau Hiccup.

Man, the people of Callyfornya are giving me such a hard time. All I want to do is balance the budget and this I want to do by taking away the rights of the people of Callyfornya. Not the Caucasian people, of course, but the Indians and the Mexicans and these things that were here in Callyfornya long before my ancestors ever began thinking hateful thoughts about the Jews.

Help me out here, Henrietta. I need to take away the driving licenses of the illegal Mexicans and I need to charge three times the state taxes for the Indians and their casinos. These are the things that I need to do to avoid being a girlie-man.

And this I know will balance the budget that became unbalanced by the white man.

I hope to receive your support.

Auf Wiedersehn,
Arnold Schwarzeneggar


Dear Most Honorable Sir,

Wow, you’re in a pickle. It’s hard to be a red person in a blue state – unless, of course, you’re an Indian! Ha!

The thing that the Californians do not understand is that immigrants to this country should not just be given rights just because they work hard. Rights are, and should be, doled out based on the color of one’s skin – not on the content of one’s character. As you know, I am paraphrasing Dr. Martin L. King.

Giving a driver’s license to an illegal, immoral immigrant is an abomination to God. Sure, we’d be able to keep track of them and they would actually have to learn how to drive, but it would look like we were supporting their illegal activities, such as fruit-picking, dishwashing and 18-hour work days.

As for the casinos – well, I think you know how I feel about that. The number of jobs they create could not possibly compare with the number of souls they help damn to Hell. Besides, what right do Native Americans have to the land of this country?

You and I don’t always see eye to eye, but I’m with you on this one, Arnie. If you need me to do a Public Service Announcement, I’m available for a nominal fee.

Guten Blah to you!

H.H.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Letter from Screenwriter

Dear Henrietta,

I'm perplexed and dismayed. Why is the so-called "president" spending $40 million on a second inauguration that isn't even necessary? And why is he taking it from Washington, D.C.'s homeland security money?

Confused,
David Laurence Wagner
Screenwriter of the upcoming Horror Classic, "Crucifixa"


Dear David,

Second inaugurations are very important. They serve as a gloating technique - sort of a "neener neener neener," if you will. Of course they have no legitimate purpose, but gloating is an American tradition, like eating dead animal carcass and watching 17 hours of television per day. You can't just throw out tradition with yesterday's garbage, David.

And the money is being taken from D.C.'s homeland security fund for a very good reason. Ninety-one percent of Washington, D.C. voted for John Kerry! Therefore, they obviously don't care about their own security, since everyone knows that John Kerry was going to leave our security in the hands of third world nations, such as Vatican City.

I hope I've answered your questions, David. Good luck with "Crucifixa!" She sounds like a dandy!

Yours,

H.H.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Letter from Pope John Paul II

Dear Henrietta,

How are you doing? It's been a while since we last spoke on the phone. I hope you're well.

I have a question about U.S. politics and Jesus. I hope you can help.

Why do Republicans claim to be following Jesus when everything they stand for is the polar opposite of everything Jesus stood for? (Sorry about ending that question with a preposition!)

Jesus said:

"The meek will inherit the earth." How does this jive with Republican policies that are designed to make the rich even richer?

"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the sons and daughters of God." How can they reconcile this with their murderous actions in Iraq?

"Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy." How can they so easily approve of the death penalty, which is state-sponsored murder?

"For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a Stranger and you Welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me. Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these, my brethren, you did it to me." But to the Republicans, the homeless are lazy, the thirsty are greedy, the strangers are unwelcome, the naked are vulgar, the sick are a burden and the prisoners should be executed or otherwise disgarded.

Please, Henrietta. If anyone can answer this, you can.

Caio,
Karol Jozef Wojtyla
(aka Pope John Paul II)


Dear Karol,

I'm well, thanks. But as usual, we don't agree!

The notion that Jesus stood for peace is a common misconception. When he said "blessed are the peacemakers," he was being facetious. And you can't believe he was serious when he joked that the "meek would inherit the earth!" Why would meek people inherit anything? Meek people are intended to be taken advantage of - without meek people, there would be no successful salespeople and thus no capitalism and without capitalism, we would have a Godless society.

I know these concepts are complicated, Pope. But I want you to know that you can call me any time and we can go out for a cocktail and I'll explain everything to you.

Thanks for your query!

H.H.

P.S. Don't tell me you would have voted for John Kerry. He forgot Poland!






Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Letter from Ann Coulter

Dear Henrietta,

Recently I made a suggestion regarding the Islamic Muslimites that went as follows - "We should invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity. We weren't punctilious about locating and punishing only Hitler and his top officers. We carpet-bombed German cities; we killed civilians. That's war. And this is war."

I'm just wondering why we haven't done this yet. Doesn't anyone listen to me?

Waiting to hear,
Ann Coulter
Washington, D.C.

P.S. Am I a man?



Dear Ann,

Punctilious? Come on.

Look - the president is what he and only he calls a "compassionate conservative." This means that he doesn't just go around converting people to Christianity against their wills overnight. These things take time. We did the "invading their countries" part, we've captured their scabby-headed leader and we will kill him soon enough, and then we will have time to convert the heathen savages to Christianity.

You see, Ann - you have no patience. World dominance doesn't happen in the snap of a finger. We won't convert them overnight, just like we won't eliminate American homosexuality and Judaism overnight. Take a deep breath, honey.

Have a Blessed Day,

H.H.

P.S. Don't let the liberals make you question your manhood, Ann. You're as manly as they get.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Letter from "Rhoda" star

Dear Henrietta,

Why are liberal celebrities always speaking their minds about politics? Why do they think we want to hear anything they have to say about anything? I don’t.

Sincerely,
Ron Silver, star of Rhoda
NY, NY


Dear Mr. Silver,

First off, I just want to say that I loved the episode in which your character, Gary Levy, tried to pass off Rhoda as your fiancée in front of your parents. Hahaha! That was so funny. Because she wasn’t your fiancée, really! Hahahaha! It was a ruse!

As for your question - you’re right. There are a lot of liberal celebrities and they are always expressing their opinions, for some reason. Take Sean Penn and Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins and Ben Affleck and Matt Damon and George Carlin and Cher and Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt and Margaret Cho and George Clooney and Johnny Depp and the Dixie Chicks and Jane Fonda and Whoopi Goldberg and Madonna and Willie Nelson and Barbra Streisand and Robin Williams and Oliver Stone and Bruce Springsteen and R.E.M. and John Mellencamp and Martin Sheen and Julia Roberts and Gwyneth Paltrow and Spike Lee and Dustin Hoffman and Richard Gere and his gerbils, for example. And don’t even get me started on that Michael Moore fellow!

These people have nowhere near the sense of a Bruce Willis or an Arnold Schwarzenegger. What gives them the right to contradict the deep thoughts of the great conservative celebrity minds, such as Jessica Simpson and Britney Spears?

If it were up to me, the Patriot Act would be re-written to include a permanent banning of liberal celebrities from speaking their minds or even performing. Imagine if all movies only starred conservative celebrities! Ron Silver and Angie Harmon in “Spiderman 3!” What a wonderful world it would be.

Thanks for writing, Mr. Silver. Your two-hour speech at the Republican National Convention was very moving.

H.H.

Sunday, January 09, 2005

Letter from Tsunami Victim

Dear Henrietta,

I want to thank you for your country’s generous offering of 1 billion US dollars to help us during this great time of pain. The President Bush is so beddy nice to send us your money and also his great personal sacrifice of 10,000 US dollars. We have no more to worry about now, except for the welfare of the beddy nice President Bush. My question for you is – will the President Bush have enough food to feed his family now?

God Bless You.
Tharupiyum Kumarakulaasinghe
Lakbima, Sri Lanka


Dear Mr. Kumarakulaasinghe,

On behalf of the taxpayers of the United States, you're very welcome. It was no skin off our noses, anyway, since it will just be applied to the growing national debt. Hopefully someday your country will know the joy of debt as we do. But I digress. You are right to worry about Mr. Bush. After donating $10,000, his bank account has dwindled to a mere $25,990,000. We are all worried sick.

The truth is, Mr. Bush makes sacrifices every day, including sparing the life of a turkey every Thanksgiving and serving a rubber turkey to the troops instead of a real one. It's enough to bring a tear to one's eye.

I guess the best way you can help him is to return part of the $1 million donated by one of our cinematic legends, Ms. Sandra Bullock. She has plenty of leftover dough and should have donated far more, anyway. Please return it to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, D.C. 11111.

Thanks and I'm glad to hear you are doing better over there.

H.H.