Henrietta Hiccup

Political advisor to the stars!

Sunday, December 12, 2004

Letter from Sen. Max Cleland

Dear Henrietta,

My stomach is in knots. I am vehemently opposed to the war in Iraq, yet I feel compelled to go and help, especially since the troops are stretched about as thin as a teaspoon of peanut butter on a twenty-mile-long cracker.

I'm thinking of using my remaining limb to do what I can to help.

I guess I just want your input before I do anything.

Max Cleland
Former Senator from Georgia

Dear Former Senator Cleland,

Now, now. Sit down. Let's think through this.

From here in California, I saw the ads that Saxby Chambliss and the Republicans ran against you in Georgia. They said that you are not only best friends with Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein, but that you also voted against the Homeland Security Bill and you only gave two legs and your right arm in Vietnam, when you could have easily given all four limbs. I'm sorry, Mr. Cleland, but liberals like you don't belong in the service.

The way you think about the war would not serve us well, either. You don't think we have an exit strategy. Well, we don't. That's our strategy! If we had a strategy, the enemy could find out about it. See?

And I suppose you don't think there were any weapons of mass destruction, either. You liberals are whacked out of your frickin' minds. If there weren't any WMD's, why would the president say there were? Hmmm?

Lastly, I don't think you comprehend the connection between 9/11 and Saddam Hussein. You liberals act like Saddam Hussein wasn't even in New York on 9/11. You seem hell bent on repeating to the American people that "15 of the 19 hijackers were Saudis," as if that means that all the hijackers weren't Iraqis.

I'm sorry, Mr. Cleland. Let's leave the fighting and dying to the rural American teenagers, who know what is going on in the world.

Thanks for the offer, though!