Henrietta Hiccup

Political advisor to the stars!

Monday, October 04, 2004

Why I Love Dick

In honor of the upcoming Vice-Presidential debate, I feel compelled to honor one of the most admirable men in the history of this great nation of ours. Mr. Richard Cheney of Wyoming. But we’ll just call him Dick.

I love him….

BECAUSE….he got five Vietnam draft notices in the mail and managed to finagle his way out of every one of them! Seriously - you gotta admire that. I am not entirely sure how he was able to manage it, but I suspect he may have shot himself in the head five times. His head is a smidge swollen.

BECAUSE….Dick, like Bush, has not one, but two DUIs. I think that’s cool. Way cooler than smoking weed and not inhaling. Impeach Clinton! Draft-dodging pothead!

BECAUSE….Dicky voted against the Martin Luther King, Jr. holiday. Amen, Dick. What are these people thinking with a holiday for this guy? What did he ever do besides rattle off that “I Have A Dream” speech? Blah, blah, blah - like no one else has dreams! Hello! Last night I dreamt that my dog found a KFC bag that contained a dead, hairless cat wearing a tiny, black bow tie. Should I get a holiday, too?

BECAUSE….Dickums opposes abortion even in the case of rape or incest. Me too. I place a lot of value on possible future human life and believe that male masturbation should be considered murder by toilet drowning. I’m sure Dick feels the same way.

BECAUSE….he was CEO of one of the sleaziest corporations in the U.S. – Halliburton – the company that has “won” nearly every no-bid contract in Iraq and overcharged the government by $61 million. AND the company that has been serving rotten meat and vegetables to our troops in Iraq and has yet to be fined for it (and has yet to improve it). Our big Dick resigned in 2000, but his level of decency lives on.

BECAUSE….Dick told Sen. Patrick Leahy to go fuck himself. This proves that our Dick is pro-gay rights, as long as men fuck themselves and not other men apart from themselves.

BECAUSE….Dick brought his whole (lovely) family onto the stage at the close of this year’s Republican National Convention, including his wife Lynne, who bears some resemblance to a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, one of my favorite dog breeds. His daughter Mary, the family queer, and her life partner Heather were nowhere to be found. Word has it they were afraid she might not really be a Republican, even though she has made it very clear that she loves bush.

BECAUSE HE IS REALLY, REALLY SMART! CASE IN POINT:

"The question in my mind is how many additional American casualties is Saddam worth?... And the answer is not very damned many. So I think we got it right, both when we decided to expel him from Kuwait, but also when the president made the decision that we'd achieved our objectives and we were not going to go get bogged down in the problems of trying to take over and govern Iraq.... All of a sudden you've got a battle you're fighting in a major built-up city, a lot of civilians are around, significant limitations on our ability to use our most effective technologies and techniques.... Once we had rounded him up and gotten rid of his government, then the question is what do you put in its place? You know, you then have accepted the responsibility for governing Iraq.... Now what kind of government are you going to establish? Is it going to be a Kurdish government, or a Shi'ia government, or a Sunni government, or maybe a government based on the old Baathist Party, or some mixture thereof? You will have, I think by that time, lost the support of the Arab coalition that was so crucial to our operations over there."

-Dick Cheney, speaking about the Gulf War in 1992

GOD BLESS DICK AND GOD BLESS AMERICA! I HAVE CLIMBED TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I SEE A VALLEY BELOW! BUT I’M TIRED! IT WAS HARD WORK! HARD WORK! (blink blink blink)

Friday, October 01, 2004

Disclaimer

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H.H.