Henrietta Hiccup

Political advisor to the stars!

Thursday, May 26, 2005

Letter from George W. Bush

Dear Henrietta,

How the heck are you? We haven’t spoke since the elekshun. Laura showed me how to use the spell chicker but I think it’s wrong a lot, so I am corecting it. I am the leader of the free world, so I can do whatever the heck I want, as you know, and for anyone who doesn’t like it, I can always throw them in the Gwontommino Bay .

The reason I am writing you today is because I am very ticked off and I want some answers. All of the polls showed that Bo Bice was going to win American Idol and yet Carrie won instead! I don’t know about you, but that seems fishy to me. Sure, Carrie is a purty girl and all, even though she has the same name as a former upponint of mine (Mr. Jon Carrie) but Bo is a Christian and he wears the cross to remind the American people where Jesus was nailed to.

Henrietta, there is nothing worse in a free sosiety than a frodulent elekshun. I am so happy and glad that I beat Jon Carrie fair and square with no cheating whatsoever on the part of me or Karl Rove or the makers of the voting machines who happen to be Republicans. Why can’t American Idol be as acurate? Do I have to tell the Congress to look into this matter? Or can you help me, Henrietta?

With all do respect,
George W. Bush
President of America and the World


Dear Mr. President,

Wow, it’s great to hear from you. I know you’ve been busy schmoozing over there in Europea with Mr. Blair, but you really should touch base with me every so often. Geez.

As for the American Idol results, I’m as flabbergasted as you are. Either the American people have gone completely loopy, or some Hollywood liberal was messing with the tabulations. Clearly, Bo Bice was the logical choice for such an honor. Who better to represent our diverse and colorful nation than a white male Christian from Alabama?

Mr. President, I strongly recommend convening a Congressional Committee to investigate what is clearly fraud - masterminded by the liberal Hollywood elite for the purpose of destroying the fabric of our society.

Thanks for writing, George. I’m always flattered when you ask for my advice. Speaking of which, I hope you were able to take care of that itchy problem you had “down there.”

Talk soon (I hope!) Give my love to Laura.

H.H.

Carrie Underwood, who fraudulently "won" American Idol despite being behind in all the exit polls - and Bo Bice, who might be Jesus. Posted by Hello

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Letter from the New Pope

Liebe Frau Hiccup,

I write this note to you on the evening of mein vorgewahlt as Pope of the Catholic Church, representing Gott’s will. You were the first person I thought of after they announced to me that I was to be the new Papst. I think of you many hours of my life in a non-sexual yet sensual way.

Henrietta, mein reizvolles Madchen, you must help me. People are saying I am a Nazi, but it is not the truth. I was forced to join Hitler’s Youth against mein will. I was forced to stay in Hitler’s Army until the end of Hitler’s War (also against mein will). I was forced to maintain the mindset und philosophy of the Nazi Party until the present day, which continues to be very much against mein will. Please tell this to the Amerikaner, mein blankes Madchen.

And there is more I hope you will share with the Amerikaner, mein nasses Madchen. Please tell them that same-sex marriages are wrong und they will soon go to hell. I didn’t make this up – Jesus makes it clear in die Bibel that same-sex marriage is a sin. The reason that I put this issue so far above poverty is because most poor people are in Afrika, where few Catholics live.

Also please tell them that I feel women should be treated 100% equally with men, except in cases where the men should be treated superior to women. This will be left to the discretion of the men.

So you see, mein Frisch Madchen, mein papacy is going to be about peace und harmony und caring for all the Volk.

Write soon, bitte.
Joseph Ratzinger
Aka Pope Benedict XVI


Dear Pope Benzy,

What the hell is that – Germlish? You really should learn to speak proper English if you are going to be the head of the Church of Rome.

Before I answer, let me just say how sad I was to hear about the passing of your predecessor, John Paul II. He was my very close friend and confidante. He shared many deep thoughts with me over cocktails when I was in Rome. (See Letter from the Pope, Jan. 13, 2005)

Joe, you don’t have a question and you don’t seem to have a point, but I’ll just say that you don’t have to convince me that you are the right man for the job. I firmly believe that our mission as Christians and Republicans should be to rid the world of poverty and obviously we do that by ridding the world of poor people. If we don’t have poor people, we don’t have poverty. Everything is simple mathematics. If we don’t have gay marriage, people will stop being gay. No one wants to not get married. I mean – except for you.

Listen, my little weinerschnitzel, everything will be OK. Soon, the people of the world will calm down and forget you even exist, leaving plenty of opportunity for you to subjugate women and homosexuals through your teachings.

Godspeed, young man.


H.H.

Sunday, March 27, 2005

Letter from Terri Schiavo

Dear Henrietta,

I am writing from the end of my rope. They are starving me to death but I am hanging on for dear life. I don’t want to die! No one else will intervene on my behalf since the polls came out saying people are tired of hearing about me. You are my only hope. The reason I trust you is because I have known you for ten years, ever since that time I was lying in bed.

Please help!

Terri Schiavo
Pinellas Park, FL


Dear Terri,

This is the first time I haven’t agreed with President Bush since he said he didn’t think homosexuals were going to burn in the fiery pits of Hell and be eaten by worms.

I can’t even believe you are still alive. What are you, an Alphoid? I went two hours without food yesterday and the next thing I knew I was biting my toenails off and swallowing them.

Let go and let God, Terri. Your husband obviously has your best interests at heart – that’s why he wants you dead. He refused to divorce you - that is the ultimate form of love. He has brought two children into the world with another woman’s loins, which might give the appearance that he loves someone else, but he has redeemed himself by dragging your parents through the court system for ten years and not allowing them to try any therapy on you at all.

And he’s making one final gesture of love toward you and your parents - in case you haven’t heard. He is going to have you cremated, which is against your religion, but he says you mentioned one time during sex that if you ever die, you definitely want to be cremated.

Give the guy a break, Terri. I know you aren’t in any pain, so why not die? Just because you are dead, doesn’t mean you won’t be able to see your parents anymore. They’ll be dead soon, too. Don’t be so selfish.

I’ll expect not to be hearing from you again, young lady.

Sincerely,

H.H.

Friday, March 04, 2005

Letter from Martha Stewart

Dear Henrietta,

I wanted to pen a note to you before eating a decent meal, sleeping in my comfy bed, taking a shower (alone) and reuniting with my family, including my 90-year-old mother who I’ve only seen once in five months.

Thank you for all your support during these trying times. I look forward to having you over for lamb chops with mint pepper sauce and orange-glazed asparagus.

I also look forward to planning the wedding between you and my daughter Alexis, even though you are both women.

Love and Kisses,
Martha Kostyra Stewart
Katonah, New York


Dear Martha,

I’m so happy you are out of prison and I feel a remarkable lack of embarrassment that my future mother-in-law is an ex-con and a Democrat. I hope you learned a lot from your confinement, including how to work hard and wash other womens' hair. You are a wonderful example of bravery and courage!

I look forward to our meal together. Please tell Lexi I’ll be calling her soon.

Kisses Right Back At Ya,


H.H.

WELCOME BACK, MARTHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


WELCOME BACK, MARTHA!!!!!! I MISSED YOU!!!!!! SMOOCH!!!!!! Posted by Hello

(and honey, you look marvelous.)

Saturday, February 26, 2005

Letter from Someone Named "Oprah"

Dear Henrietta,

Why are conservative women so dumb? They seem to enjoy their slave-like existences. If my boyfriend Stedman so much as looks at me cross-eyed, I rip him a new one. Please explain the mentality of these women, Henrietta.

Thank You,
Oprah
Chicago, Illinois

Dear Oprah,

It's just like a liberal to not sign their last name to a letter! You're too cowardly to reveal your true identity, I guess.

I don't think you know much about slavery, Oprah. I realize that the revisionist history of the liberals has presented slavery in a negative light, but in reality, slaves were very happy. This is evident in the fact that they whistled and sang in the fields. They sang songs such as "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot" and songs that pertained to picking cotton. You should see "The Color Purple."

Likewise, conservative women are very happy. We often wish that we could go back to the 50s, when our way of life was mandatory and we didn't have all of these confusing choices like "What college should I attend?" and "What career will I find fulfilling?" It was a great time to be a woman. There were no lesbians. All women married men and the more masculine ones would be given wine and prescription pain killers.

Now let's talk about today. Who is the greatest role model for young ladies in 2005? Laura Bush, of course! She's a librarian, she's got great Republican helmet hair and a lovely permanent smile. She's only been loyal to one man since she killed her boyfriend in 1963. What more could you aspire to be in any day and age, Oprah?

My advice to you is to consider marrying Stedman. Who is going to take care of you financially if you don't?

Think about it.

H.H.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Letter from Ben Affleck

Dear Henrietta,

Do you think the right wing media, such as FOX and CNN, will cover the story about Bush paying off members of the media to ask him softball questions in press conferences and to promote his twisted policies?

If I were a betting man, I’d bet $500,000 on NO. What do you say – are you in?

Love,
Benjamin Affleck
Hollywood, CA


Dear Benny,

So nice to hear from you! I haven’t seen you since the intervention.

You know I think gambling is a sin! Let’s say you lost that $500,000 – that’s money that could have been donated to the forthcoming invasion of Iran!

Look – you’re a very young and naïve alcoholic man, so let me explain some things to you about the world. Paying people to do the things you want them to do is capitalism. There’s nothing wrong with capitalism unless you’re a commie! You’re not a commie, are you Benny?

James Guckert, who joined the White House Press Corps under the phony name Jeff Gannon because he feared that the peacenik, anti-war liberals would chop up his family, is a really good reporter! When “Jeff” asked the President, “How can you deal with these Democratic Congressional leaders who seem to have divorced themselves from reality?” that wasn’t a cheap shot, but a legitimate question intended to make the President look good.

And what is the big deal about syndicated columnist Maggie Gallagher’s $21,500 gift from President Bush? He likes her. He gave her a gift. Is that a crime? It just so happened that she liked the fact that he was spending 300 million tax dollars to “promote marriage,” so she cheered for it in her column. Mike McManus wrote about how much he loved the marriage initiative, too, but he only got $10,000 from Bush. Armstrong Williams received a whopping $240,000 to promote the No Child Left Behind Act!

If Bush were really paying people off, he would give them each an equal amount, wouldn’t he?

See, Ben - you just need to think things through!

You take care of yourself now.


H.H.

Thursday, January 27, 2005

The Political Super Bowl of 2004

By Helga Hiccup


As the Super Bowl approaches, I can’t help but chuckle and sob at the same time when I think about how our elections have become one big hillbilly sporting event, none more so than the presidential election of 2004. One could compare it to NASCAR, for example, with Dubya Bush being the guy with the big “43” on his car and an ENRON logo on the hood, driving ‘round and ‘round and ‘round while his fans get drunk on Pabst Blue Ribbon and cheer for John Kerry to crash and die.

But it’s always more fun to use football analogies when discussing politics. The truth is we had two Super Bowls in 2004. In the first one, the Patriots won. In the second, the Bloody War Criminals won. In case you missed the latter Super Bowl, allow me to summarize it for you.

The red team (the Bloody War Criminals) played the blue team (the Lovers of Humanity). The Crims were the defending champs, although many say they didn’t deserve it, since the quarterback’s entire family served as the referees. The Humans had been champs in the 90’s, but their quarterback repeatedly had sex the night before the big games and that’s a no-no.

The game seemed to be going in the Crims’ favor early in the first quarter. The Humans hadn’t even picked a QB yet and their favorite, Howard Dean, was deemed to have some screaming issues. Without a QB to play against, the Crims were up 7-0 at the start of the second quarter, with Condaleeza Rice running 87 yards for touchdown.

In the second quarter, the Humans brought in a tall war hero by the name of John Kerry. He was an asset to the Lovers of Humanity. He believed that defense wins championships. He was strong and courageous; reasonable and smart. He was everything the Lovers of Humanity needed.

Late in the second quarter, the Bloody War Criminals were falling behind. Kerry had thrown two TD passes to Chris Heinz and the score was 14-7. The fans of the War Criminals were going ballistic, sending notes onto the field that accused Kerry of shooting American players in the back when he played for the North Vietnam Commies. The crowd began to turn on the Lovers of Humanity. After all, if the fans of the War Criminals would say something like that, how could it not be true? Luckily, it was halftime.

Ten seconds in to the third quarter, Crims’ QB, Dubya Bush, was sacked by Al Sharpton, who had joined Kerry’s defense after losing in the playoffs. But with the crowd behind him, Dubya was on a roll. Kerry yelled to the crowd, “I’m reporting for duty!” but they couldn’t hear him. Dubya’s team quickly renamed themselves, “America’s Team” and the crowd became mentally unable to distinguish fact from fiction.

The game was one of the most exciting in history. The Crims were ahead 17-7. Then Dubya was supposed to throw a pass to his tight end, Bill Poland, but he forgot him and instead threw an interception to Arianna Huffington, who scored! 17-14!

The fourth quarter was a doozy. Kerry hit his hot new receiver, John Edwards, three times in a row. The Lovers of Humanity were up 35-17 with one minute left in the ball game. It seemed impossible to lose.

Sadly, the Bloody War Criminals had kept their greatest weapon a secret. They didn’t even let him sit on the bench during the game, but made him stay in a bunker under the locker room. The Lovers of Humanity never saw it coming. With one minute to play, seven-feet-tall Osama bin Laden, the greatest player in Middle Eastern American football history, came on to the field. His strategy was to trick the fans of the War Criminals into thinking he was playing for the Lovers of Humanity. This stirred the crowd into a frenzy and, when he ripped off his blue jersey to expose the bloody red one, it was all over. By the time he was finished with the Lovers of Humanity, they’d be crying themselves to sleep.

Fret not, fans of the Lovers of Humanity. If the Tampa Bay Buccaneers can win the Super Bowl, so can we.